VOOZH about

URL: https://texastravesty.com/

⇱ Texas Travesty - Since 1997

Keke Palmer Suppresses Women’s Rights at SXSW

👁 Image

The suite, chilly. The chairs, packed tight. I could taste the Chanel perfume of the woman to my right and read the Grindr messages of the twink to my left. He got laid in the Marriott 5th-floor men’s bathroom after the event. Ahh, the setting was perfect to see my hero – Keke Palmer – at her promotional podcast taping for I Love Boosters. Or so I thought. Keke Palmer, Naomi … [Read more...] about Keke Palmer Suppresses Women’s Rights at SXSW

👁 Image

*spoilers ahead, like for real (but I’m also saving you like $13 from seeing this at Alamo Drafthouse in August)* Hello, it’s me, an adult who brings their 6-year-old to a R-rated horror movie. You’re probably thinking, “Oh, their babysitter canceled, this responsible parent would never bring a child to a premiere for a body horror movie starring Dave Franco and Alison … [Read more...] about The Entire Plot of Together (2025) featuring Allison Brie and Dave Franco as Told by a Six-year-old

👁 Image

Pictured above is the unnamed man in the Criterion Collection line (left) and our Editor-in-Chief (right). It was a warm March day. I paid around $6.50 for a lukewarm vanilla latte I did not finish and $0 for parking, since I parked in a tow-away zone. I was making my way towards the Paramount theater when I saw a spectacle in pure white and harsh black…the Criterion … [Read more...] about Finding Love in the Criterion Line

👁 Image

The Texas Travesty attended nearly all stand-up comedy shows this SXSW, and it was a waste of time. Your broke ass didn’t have a badge, and that’s fine. We asked AI to combine every stand-up bit into one special so you can spend time doing what really matters: being on your phone!* Comedian: Hello, how is everyone doing tonight Crowd cheers Comedian: Come on, I know … [Read more...] about We Asked AI to Combine Every SXSW Stand-up Into One Concise Bit

History is written by the victors, as the saying goes. The dominant culture of the time dictates what is preserved, and what isn’t, who is vilified, and who isn’t. But recently, there’s been a push to recover the untold histories of those who were never provided a voice. The plight of the disabled is one as old as time itself, and as such their defenders are just as ancient, … [Read more...] about Hidden Figures: Cain

Child abduction is no laughing matter. I certainly wasn’t laughing when I poured a fully grown man into my bowl of cereal. His name is David. He had been missing since July 1988. I was horrified, first, because I usually check the expiration date for these kinds of things. But then I realized I had to call the police, and that sucked because I hate talking to people over the … [Read more...] about Missing children were inside the milk carton the whole time

👁 Image

In this issue of the Texas Travesty, we sent Administrative Assistant Sam Blumberg through all nine circles of Hell. While traveling to the innermost circle, he committed unspeakable offenses, made friends with the likes of war criminals and cult leaders, and still, somehow, managed to disappoint us. Read further to find out about his journey. … [Read more...] about The Texas Travesty — October 2020

👁 Image

DALLAS — Early Saturday morning, experienced forex trader Candace Bronx direct messaged Dallas Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott inquiring if he would be interested in joining her team and “turning his dreams into a lifestyle.” Anyone who trades in the foreign market is technically a forex trader; however when an experienced forex trader like Bronx asks you to join her team, she … [Read more...] about Forex trader unable to understand what’s keeping Dak Prescott from taking the first step

👁 Image

Some are going to say that the above title is too ‘dramatic’ and ‘insensitive’ given that I’m simply leaving a campus satirical magazine and not killing myself.  But I will counter: you really have neither a life, nor voice, nor worth if you no longer write for your state school’s satirical magazine. When I was nineteen, I joined the Travesty. Louis C.K. was my … [Read more...] about Goodbye World

👁 Image

I have seven siblings and I wouldn’t necessarily say I’m close to any of them. I do care about them though, and have followed their lives with quite some interest. I’ve given them almost little to no advice, preferring more close observation. I have been able to do this from afar or undetected for quite some time. But because of our return to living together in quarantine, … [Read more...] about The Future of My Family

👁 spooky bread

All anyone can talk about in quarantine is hobbies — and the most shudder inducing so far has been people getting really into baking bread. Is it the 1800’s? In many ways actually, yes (with the whole plague and all) — but still. I have decided to make better use of my time: watching a single, feature-length movie till the end. It takes the same amount of time and demands the … [Read more...] about Why watching a single, feature-length movie is my version of getting into baking bread

👁 Image

WE’RE SEEING NEW HISTORICAL PRECEDENTS EVERYDAY. BUT THERE’S ONE REMARKABLE OPPORTUNITY STARING US IN THE FACE: NEVER HAS THERE BEEN A BETTER TIME TO TRIP ACID. UNSURE WHERE YOU STAND IN THESE TRYING TIMES? THEN YOU’VE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE. FAST-TRACK YOUR INTROSPECTIVE SUCCESS AND OPEN YOUR MIND TO HORIZONS YOU WOULD HAVE PREVIOUSLY NEVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE. IT’S THE … [Read more...] about A LITTLE LSD NEVER HURT ANYBODY, EXCEPT MY FRIEND THAT ONE TIME

👁 Image

Many people think that being a mom is the hardest job in the world. To that I say: have you tried being a woman in comedy? Well I have (is that even OK to say?) and I’ve met so many amazing people as a result. Everybody on Travesty is so uniquely funny in their own wonderful way. The random (quirky, even) slew of personalities is the best part of this organization. I am funnier … [Read more...] about Local Jewish #girlboss says goodbye to only source of validation

👁 Image

I’ve always been a big comedy guy. I even have a plaque in my apartment that says “Bless this home with love and laughter” because I want people to know when they visit me that I’m a huge fan of jokes, and also love. I still remember the first time I ever laughed: when they called Jerry Girgich “Gary” on Parks and Rec. From that moment on, I knew I wanted to do comedy. Fast … [Read more...] about Jaded comedy veteran reminisces about funnier days

👁 Image

I like horses. So what? That doesn’t make me a horse girl. I like to wear my hair in a long braid and enjoy boot cut jeans. Sue me. And you know what? It’s my choice to walk on all fours — it’s faster and more economical. Who cares if I neigh from time to time — we’ve all done it. I’m sick of all the hate I get simply choosing to wear a saddle and a bit on occasion. I’ve seen … [Read more...] about Area woman mistakenly identified as horse girl

👁 Image

Well, yet another day in paradise (isolation in my childhood bedroom)! Time for my only recurring appointment that I’ve managed to have in quarantine ... my 3:30 p.m. masturbating sesh. I do all of the hits: reaching across the bed for my vibrator, opening up Safari and uselessly pressing “Private Browsing Mode.” A mode I can only assume Apple includes just to get us to shut … [Read more...] about I wish porn would play a little more “hard to get”

👁 Image

My (fictional) boyfriend is very … alternative. For example, if I want him to pay attention to me, I have to say the magic word: “Can you imagine if a man said that to a woman?” He’s obsessed with weed, speaking over others, and making me feel guilty for shopping on Amazon sometimes. I don’t know how I got so lucky! As you might have imagined, he was really into “Uncut Gems” … [Read more...] about OK so that’s what the Safdie brothers look like

👁 Image

I’m not asking for much here. I’m home from university and all I’ve requested is that 2-3 times a day, I receive a home-cooked meal or maybe just a little love and appreciation. My mother thinks otherwise.  First of all, her presentation is weak. When I came down for dinner just the other night, the lasagna was carelessly slapped in the middle of the same chipped china … [Read more...] about Why I gave my moms cooking 3 out of 5 stars on Yelp

👁 spooky bread

Okay, so you spent your whole weekend growing yeast and collecting dough from the dough bushes you grew on your porch or wherever the fuck that comes from, all for some measly, seedy loaf? Bonkers, I say. Why the hell would you go to all that trouble when you can simply get bread at a supermarket? Ever been to one? It even comes in cool shapes like circles. But this bread is … [Read more...] about Why your decision to bake bread at home pisses me off

👁 Image

Look, I’m horny. There, I said it! Social distancing and quarantining at home have taken huge tolls on my mental, physical, and sexual well-being. I might be the only person in the entire world going through this. Or at least, the only one brave enough to talk about it openly. If anyone else is going through this, let me tell you, you’re not alone! Living at home for the first … [Read more...] about Coronavirus isn’t as toxic as your ex — for instance, corona can finish you off

👁 tyler perry photoshopped into the faces of little women cast

LOS ANGELES — Executives confirm that Sony will move forward with a Little Women sequel from Perry’s production studio, slated for a summer release.  Perry said the title of Gerwig’s film alone gave him the idea for a movie that could evolve into a “long-term franchise.” Perry says the movie is about the perspective of the women in his family and their journey into adulthood … [Read more...] about Sony announces sequel to Greta Gerwig’s “Little Women” titled “Tyler Perry’s Big Ol’ Ladies”

👁 superbowl party w/ spinach dip present

SOUTH BEND, IN — In the grand scheme of things, there’s simply nothing worse than a Super Bowl Party. College student Alyssa came face to face with this reality earlier this month, at her first college S.B.P. (Shitty Boys Party). During the tenth mansplaination of the “nuances of football,” Alyssa realized something that was troubling, but altogether beautiful: Super Bowl … [Read more...] about Super Bowl Parties oppress me, but at least there’s spinach dip

WASHINGTON, D.C.—For decades, economists have developed and argued over a variety of metrics to best assess economic performance—GDP, unemployment, labor productivity, and a host of other complex calculations. But this dispute exists no longer. Top economists have shifted to a consensus that only one measure truly matters: The amount Dad nods at CNBC. “For years, I used to … [Read more...] about Report: Dad is nodding at CNBC, so the economy must be good

👁 bernie supporter at computer

AUSTIN—In an attempt to unify the party and mobilize supporters after the inconclusive results of the Iowa Caucus, the local chapter of Austin for Bernie released a statement claiming that online harassment from Bernie supporters “isn’t real, you idiot sluts.” “Using the term ‘Bernie bro’ is literally racist,” local supporter Byron Jacobs said, pausing his game of Counter … [Read more...] about Bernie Sanders supporters say online harassment isn’t real, you idiot sluts

👁 Image

Where were you when Mr. Peanut died? On the phone? On the toilet? In the shower? I was a pro-choicer at that time, so death meant nothing to me (by the way, I was chowing down on a snack). It was not his death that impacted me most, but his resurrection. The way it mirrored the resurrection of Jesus Christ triggered a passion I thought was far gone. From spud to full nut, he … [Read more...] about Opinion: Why #babynut made me a pro-lifer

👁 Image

CUMBY, TX—Cumby Sheriff Dean Gilberry, pulled over a Nissan Sentra at 2:30 A.M. last Thursday night with probable cause. The car was going 8 mph on Highway 30 according to the officer. “Officer, it smelled like this when I bought it,” said the potato. … [Read more...] about Baked Potato Gets DWI

👁 girl at bernie rally

UT—Like so many young and #hot people, I am looking forward to casting a vote for Bernie Sanders for President. Even better, as an American Jew I am excited to see myself represented by someone who isn’t Woody Allen or Alan Dershowitz. Bernie’s policies will take the country very far and make healthcare and education accessible to all, which is the hottest thing anyone can do. … [Read more...] about If Bernie wins life will instantly get better, but I won’t get any hotter

👁 Image

AUSTIN — I know I’m probably the only person in the entire world who is affected by seasonal allergies, but that shit hits me hard. It’s one of the quirkiest parts of me and something that I refuse to change! Come springtime, I wake up without my previous ability to breathe (or form meaningful relationships). Recently, I decided to take matters into my own hands and make the … [Read more...] about “Fuck it’s so tight” — and other things my doctor said upon seeing my sinuses

LOS ANGELES—After the trilogy’s final movie was released in late December, scrambling longtime Star Wars fans have turned their nitpicking efforts towards the series protagonist, claiming her tits “weren’t big enough.” “It’s probably the most disrespectful thing the franchise has done. I mean if you’re going to have a female protagonist, why not make her have huge jugs? It’s … [Read more...] about Star Wars fans are angry again: What is it this time? Rey’s tits weren’t big enough

👁 man rollerblading

AUSTIN—Local Austinite and Philadelphia dual citizen Eric Fauster was once just like the rest of us: unsatisfied, lonely, emotionally distant, and sick of his damn commute! Unlike most, however, Fauster has been able to find a consistent source of momentary relief from the banality of life’s routine. It all started this past fall, when, despite the impending collapse of their … [Read more...] about Man who rollerblades to work happy to have hobby, sad in every other capacity