life is not like this

Early on, they saw the warning signs
And symptoms, all day long.

I can find a reason to quit,
I can find a reason to do it.
I can find excuses for all my shit.

It's only just a crush, it'll go away.
It's just like all the others,
It'll go away.

I'm afraid you'll take me away from here.

Wanna end this now so dreams of you won't keep me up
And I swear I'm gonna cry,
I'm sick of trying to be tough.

We lay, we lay together
Just not too close
Too close.

Love's an excuse to get hurt, and to hurt.
"Do you like to hurt?"
"I do. I do."
"Then hurt me."

You're too in love to let it go
If you never try, you'll never know.

Lips met, and reservations started to pass
Whether this was just an evening
Or a thing that would last.

I remember how we kissed, one night as forever.

Tonight, I fall in love with you, over and over again.

Your hands on me,
Pressing hard against your jeans,
Your tongue in my mouth,
Trying to keep the words from coming out.
You didn't care to know who else
May have been you before.

All I can taste is this moment.

I've got no regret right now.

I held you closer than anyone would ever get.

I can't live without your scent, it's filling me.

This is my life inside your heart
Take my hand, and I'll promise
Not to ever let it go

Heaven knows, it's got to be this time.

You tell me that love don't last,
Drawing circles with your fingernails across my back.
As your lips form the words you won't say.

I wish to feel smaller under your sheets
I wish for the whole truth every time you speak
And I'm thinking about how you care half as much for me
As I watch you arise, smoke cigarettes, sleep.

Wait.
They don't love you like I love you.

I tried to give you up, but I'm addicted.

So lead me into denial, help me forget for a while
Stay with me. Please don't go.

Have I hurt you? I have hurt myself.
These sad songs won't change anything.

And if you don't love me, let me go.
And if you don't love me, let me go.

I'll lose my head if you won't make a choice.

I guess it doesn't matter what I am or pretend to be
Because it's her you'll always love,
And it's her I'll always envy.

You disappeared in the night to bomb trains
I had a fear I would write these songs of pain,
Dedicated to the night you didn't call.

I am a writer, writer of fictions,
I am the heart that you call home.
And I've written pages upon pages, trying to rid you from my bones.
I am writer, I am all that you have hoped of.
And I've written pages upon pages, trying to rid you from my bones,
my bones, my bones.

I can't get it right since I met you.

Did I make it that easy
To walk right in and out of my life?

When did you know it was over?

I loved someone and it went to waste.
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes.

Fate fell short this time
Your smile fades in the summer.

I know you are a truth I would rather lose
Than to have never lain beside at all.

I want to take you far away from the cynics in this town
And kiss you on the mouth.
We'll cut our bodies free from the tethers of this scene,
Start a brand new colony
Where everything will change,
We'll give ourselves new names, identities erased.
The sun will heat the grounds
Under our bare feet
In this brand new colony.

Everything will change.

I could quote a millions songs and I'd never be any closer to expressing what I want to express or to making any difference. I can't sympathize with you anymore, but that's to be expected. There are some people I'll feel like I'll always be able to talk to, but they're few and far between. They are my family, but they aren't my blood. Some of them I don't even talk to for months at a time. Some of them the regulars never hear a thing about, except for in remembrance, never in the present tense, always thought of as a person of the past, only a photograph, burned onto the paper. I have an unusual attraction for people who have an unusual attraction for a steady beat, and I cannot figure out why. Through temper tantrums and sarcastic quips I have a connection with them, despite my schizo bitchy outwardness. They talk slowly and they know exactly what I need at exactly the right time. In a different world I would go to their houses and listen to music and laugh and have awkward moments and we'd walk around half dressed but fully ready for anything at anytime. And we'd philosophize about art hanging on the walls that we don't even really know what it is. And we'd have double feature movie nights because we have such different tastes and we'd make fun of the bullshit on the television while we'd make white-trash dinners and gourmet desserts. And half our sex would be in our words and we'd taste each other through the little jabs, a little competition in a little room where the walls are closing in and in a little while we'd be suffocating, and by the time we actually got around to it, we'd be so worked up that our skin would radiate humanity. Unfortunately, in this world solids aren't compressible and you never answer your phone.

This is why events unnerve me,
They find it all, a different story,
Notice whom for wheels are turning,
Turn again and turn towards this time,
All she asks is for the strength to hold me,
Then again the same old story,
World will travel, oh so quickly,
Travel first and lean towards this time.

I wanted to remain unsusceptible to your ideas, but my success is a rarity. My mind's gone all Waiting For Godot on me. Take two. Take three. Try it again. Again. Maybe this time. Maybe.

Oh, I'll break them down, no mercy shown
Heaven knows, it's got to be this time

It's got to be this time. One more compromise, one more chance.

That’s not how I’d rather be.
This is not who I would rather be.
This is not what I would rather be.

But this is who I am. This is who I've got to deal with while I live.

Change
Everything you are
And everything you were

That may of been what she chose. What he chose. But I still like myself, for some reason. I don't understand it. I hate...no.

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah, I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here, not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need

New things. New faces, new experiences, new feelings. But I'm still here. My dysfunctions still lurk behind my shoulder. My past still controls me. I have dealt with it, yet it has molded me into a person I do not know how to live with. How did this happen? How did I get here? I tried so hard. I tried so fucking hard: I didn't ask for happiness, I asked for stability. Such a minimalistic viewpoint on how life should be lived. I was too scared to ask for more after being denied so little.

Sometimes the last thing you want comes in first
Sometimes the first thing you want never comes
But I know that waiting is all you can do

I couldn't-wouldn't control it.

I can't go on, these limbs have grown too heavy
I need that song...those trusty chords to pull me through
and early on, we saw the warning signs and symptoms all day long
wonder how far from here we'll fall
before we hit the ground running on empty stories we'd been told
and all those nights we spent together never felt this fucking cold
when we left the car running in the driveway
I kissed you one last time

I'm not going anywhere. I had become dependent on something we all knew was doomed to fail. We just sat around and did nothing about it, romanticizing, fantasizing, planning for an ill-assumed future. When I was with you, I never thought we would get to this point. Pathetic, pathetic. You drained it out. You drained it so you could hold on to the last shred of me, and then you left the pieces to evaporate in the sun.

And while I have found something so intangible I can not fathom to summarize it, I doubt myself. I doubt the validity of anything relative to other human beings.
 
To me, you're strange and you're beautiful
You'd be so perfect with me, but you just
Can't see, you turn every head
But you don't
See me

There is always some one else. Until the median is hidden in the rain and I pull out, driving against oncoming traffic with the wipers moving at full speed.

I got no regret right now
The eair is so cold and numb
Let me go in her room
I want to take off her clothes
Show me the way to bed, show me the way you move
Fuck it, it's such a blur
I love all the things you do

It's time for me to taste some of the things that they depict in the movies.

Don't change your name, keep it the same
For fear I may lose you
I know you won't, it's just that I am unorganized
And I want to find you when something good happens
If you come down, we'll go to town
I haven't been there for year
But I'd be fine, wasting our time
Not doing anything here,
Just doing nothing
We'll sit for day, talk about things
Important to us like whatever
We'll defuse bombs, walk marathons
And take on whatever together.

Just wait with me a little while.

My eyes ache,
And each day I wake up
Feeling more loyal
and in love.
and I never thought I could
look forward to each day so much
while still hoping for time to stand still
because I wonder where we will be
In a few months time.
switching coasts is what it looks like
but I'm so finicky about everything
there's no real way to tell.
So I ought not worry about it.
I tell myself not to let my guard down,
not to give in completely;
Although, in a way, I already have.
I'm finding myself looking forward,
which isn't something I ever used to do.
I feel like I'm coming out of my mental cocoon,
but all the wrong words keep sputtering
from my overzealous tongue.

this is so fucking weird.

i think i did it this time
because i felt like it was the only thing
that could make me forget
that he is not here.
and i have days of rage
where i feel like i cannot do anything good in this world.
and then i have days
where it is a softer world.
and art is beautiful again.
and six months isn't so long to wait
to hold his hand.
or to smile.

Let's be honest.
None of us know what love is.
So let's not pretend we do.



You give me more than I can stand.