Hopefully, the crazy in my life is just giving it's last hurrah. Everything else is on the up swing- great job, great friends, great new clothes, an increasing bank account, real estate and stock prices finally improving (so my house, stocks, and mutual funds are increasing again), adorable pets, my art being recognized by people with connections, most of the difficult people that were previously in my life are going away, getting into awesome events for free, connecting with great local business people, working with a new charity every month... did I mention how cute my pets are? ^_^

I feel really lucky every day for the little things (like having food on the table, being able to breathe, living a life of ease when compared to millions of people in turmoil all over the world) and so the bigger things are the best, happy events in my world!

My "maybe one day" plans feel more possible than ever! I plan on getting back in touch with my musician friends to finally work on a song or two, joining a gym, making a signature perfume at Bath Junkie (I've had a brown sugar based idea for weeks)... I might even venture into learning a language or taking belly dancing classes or getting one of those wine making kits!

Drea and I have become addicted to Alie and Georgia videos and might organize a local mixed drinks book club... but w/o the book. ~_^

I've wanted to create a local organization for creative professionals for years... I'm finally making contacts that might help make it possible.

Road-trips are definitely in my future... I have friends all over the country that I need to see. I enjoy being an on-call trivia jockey- which provides me with random trips to places where I have friends... and the hosting bars usually give me a free drink or free meal or both. Awesome!

And my regular job- a month and a half in (after the most fun I've ever had training) and they are making me an assistant manager! They are making pretty, glossy, personalized business cards for me! I'm treated like more of a professional with them than I ever was as a corporate trainer!

So yeah, good things are good and bad things are few and far between. There is so much to enjoy, that crazy people (like the one I ranted about in my last post) fade away pretty quickly as long as I let it out and let it go.

Now to bed to dream of cupcakes b/c this "Living Social" ad is making mini cupcakes look really yumtastic!

I'm not sure what's with crazy people in my life for the last 2ish years, but I would be really happy to just not deal with any of that ever again. (If only I could figure out how- besides becoming a hermit.)

My most recent incident with crazy happened just the other day w/ yet another person who blindly believes they are in the right and their poor communication skills have no affect on screwing other people over.

In order to get out my frustration, so that I can let it fade away eventually, I am writing this letter here for the anonymous internet to enjoy w/o bothering mutual friends with the issues at hand:

Dear.... you... jerk,

I find your victim act disgusting. When you were babbling to me, I smiled, nodded, and let you believe whatever you wanted so that I could walk out of there and never see you again. The thing is, when I walked in, I had every intention of continuing to offer assistance in the form of items or effort. By the time I walked out, I had a mental image of the world imploding behind me so it could be stripped from my reality. You are rude, irrational, and incredibly bad at business communication. Let's just go through your "points", shall we?

1) I can't just "show up a year later" demanding my stuff back.
-Er... yes I can. I didn't disappear into the night. I wasn't just MIA from doing actual business with you. No.

Did you forget the year of time I kept calling and coming by- asking how I could help get the studio ready, willing to help with other construction elsewhere so you would be more free to work on what you promised me, and how many times I came by when you said you would have something for me to do only to be vacuuming pet hair and picking up dog poo- for free- in my spare time- while I waited for you to come up with a real task.

How about how I tried to take photos of the pets, but there was never a clean, well lit area- even though I told you repeatedly that all I needed was good lighting and a blank wall. Where was the effort you made to this endeavor? How many times did you contact me with something I could do? How many times did you let me know that someone called or came by wanting more information on the pet photography? Zip, Zero, Zilch. Seems like there was a lot more effort on my part than the pipe dreams you spouted to me.

Did you ever consider the fact that the last few times I came by, and finally stopped volunteering my time, were just a reminder that you made a promise that kept being pushed back? If you didn't notice then, let me give you a big "hindsight is 20/20" hint: I came in, asked for you, asked for a rough date with I could start working on the studio, left my contact information, and went on my merry way believing you would contact me in a timely manner to either let me know it was ready OR that I could stop waiting b/c you decided to focus on something else... forever.

2. I make your business look bad b/c people contact you to get in touch with me but I never contact them back.
- Wow... look at that, you thought I was a psychic as well. How can I contact them back if you don't tell me? I can't help it if they ignore my email address (which is provided on my facebook page and business cards) and opt to going to the location where the studio was suppose to be b/c you said it would be. I'm the one who looks bad. If they wanted me to contact them back, I need to know to contact them back. I left my contact information with you repeatedly! If you lost it, you could easily find me on facebook or tell me the next time I came in or called. I made the effort to contact you, ask for updates, communicate my needs to start working there... what did you do in return? Really. I want you to try to recall even one time where you called me with an update or message from a customer.

And the charity I donated to in my name... how is that an issue for you? You still didn't explain what you meant about that. Was it before or after I sent her the photos? If it was before, then she eventually contacted me and everything is okay. If it was after, I'd like to know in case she wasn't happy with the results. In either case, the information I provided to the charity was MY email address and phone number. I can't control how they went about things after that.

3. You feel like I put you in the middle of something that you aren't a part of.
-How are you not a part of losing a computer that was suppose to be stored safely in an area until my studio was ready? Did you even once mention to me that it wouldn't be safe and that I shouldn't have it there? No. You didn't. In fact, you showed me where I would be able to set it up... eventually... when you got around to fixing up that area... in a couple weeks.... in a couple more weeks... in a couple months... in an undetermined amount of time but you "promise" you'll get to it.

I came by repeatedly when I finally gave up on your "promise" to get my stuff. Instead of letting me walk back there and gather it all up, it had to be brought to me. All I could do was ask for other items that I knew were there and hope you would volunteer anything I forgot about. The stuff was there that long b/c I was still expecting you to either fix the studio or let me know I could come in to fix it. I didn't want to be a pest and come by unless you had something for me to do. Eventually, I had to get a "real" job to make ends meet b/c you weren't helping at all and so I couldn't stop by every day to remind you I was around and waiting for my studio. When I did stop by you were either too busy to see me or you had nothing to report.

After asking about the computer tower, I was told ya'll would look for it and call me. So I waited. Then I came by again in case you lost my number, which you did. I was told someone would call me. So I waited. This happened at least 3 times! My mom was bugging me about it b/c it was her computer that she gave me to have in the studio. If there wasn't going to be a studio, she wanted it back. I told her you would call me. We waited. And waited. I patiently waited, but she was fed up and called. You weren't in the middle of anything. Your poor communication and lack of updates were the CAUSE of the situation. When she finally became irate with you, it's b/c YOU didn't let EITHER OF US know what was going on.

I was the one caught in the middle. You were so rude to her that she didn't want to talk to you again and asked me to stop by to pick up the computer that you NEVER CALLED US ABOUT. The only way she knew you had found it MONTHS AGO, was when you briefly mentioned it in the middle of your crazy, selfish rant. I guess it's better that she wasn't patiently waiting like me... like I had been asked to do... otherwise we might have never known that it was there.

4. What the hell was that comment about "communicating more clearly or more truthfully"?
-I really have no idea what you are talking about. If anyone needs to do that, it's you. Empty promises. Constantly moving the "I'll get around to it when" dates. No calls or emails about what's going on. No messages for me from customers. I never lied about anything. Why would I? I gain nothing from lying about... I don't even know what the hell I would have been lying about.

You did make a liar out of me, though. When you would tell me a month that I could expect to have a studio, I would tell people when they asked when my studio should be ready. At first, I gave them the answer like I believed it (b/c I did). Later on, I gave the "estimated date" with a side note that you were really busy and the estimate might be wrong. Eventually, I could only say "I don't know". Those first people, well, that ends up being a lie since the studio never happened.

5. If anyone is out money, it's you b/c you paid to have my computer fixed.
-Really? $75 to fix a computer that should have been in a safe area, that was waiting on a studio, that was only there b/c you pointed out exactly where it would go. A computer that was working when I brought it over, but after being covered in sawdust and dog hair that you exposed it to b/c you moved it from the 1st area my studio was suppose to be in to a different area that was basically junk and construction material.

Poor you... out $75... when I volunteered many times doing things your paid staff could have done... while you could have given me work that could benefit both our goals. I'm sure I provided you with more free work than $75. The computer didn't stop working b/c it wasn't used for a year. (That's not how computers stop working! My old windows 3.1 computer still works after sitting in a CLEAN area for years!) It stopped working b/c you put it in a bad environment for electronics and assured me there was nothing to worry about when you moved it to that new area.



I'm just glad I never have to directly communicate with you ever again. If I do, I'll probably just smile, look concerned, nod, and get away from you as fast as I can. You aren't worth my time or thoughts, so after I write this, it's gone from me and you can continue to fester in your frustration and self-righteous delusion. I just feel sorry for your husband b/c you are obviously the type of person who has to be calmed down from a irrational rage on a regular basis. Good luck to him. Good riddance to you.

I haven't been this depressed since the winter before I hopped a bus to Seattle. It's been a long time coming... but the events of late have cultivated themselves into this moment.

My house is rented- but to friends who took an entire month to pay the rent, complained that they should receive a discount for cleaning (although I didn't charge a deposit since I knew they would want to clean/fix up more that what was given to them), and I don't expect will pay on time this month either.

Side note: I had a rental agency look at my house... they quoted the same rental amount I am charging my friends (basically, my mortgage amount) and said it was in better condition than most houses they rent out. 3 bed, 1 bath, fenced in back yard, central heat and air... I even left furniture (futon, dresser, tv, washer, dryer.... and had a fridge put in) and a cedar porch swing b/c they were my friends. I would have taken that stuff and sold it, otherwise... but they don't f*ing care... they had to scrub the floor, boo hoo.

My job is secure- Until the 1st of Nov. It's temporary... and I only really took it so I could catch up on bills b/c my renters were so late on paying me.

Side note: I love the people I work with... and that adds and extra issue since 2 of the people I really like are people I shouldn't like b/c of a 3some/cheating event that happened with them and an old friend of mine. Loyalty? New Friends? Damn it!

My residence... um... exists- I'm living with my mom for now. Since I'm renting my house and have no real money, well, where else shall I go? Almost 30 and living with mom? Sure. Sign me up for the "blah" parade.

Side note: Most of me "make ends almost (but not really) meet" money comes from renting my mom's rental property. That's right... since my place previously was in a transition stage and is now an unreliable income source, I have to mooch money from a property that my mom should really be getting money from. I fixed it up a little, but my mom payed off the mortgage on it and whatnot.

Friends- Of that, I have few. Most are moved away or not really close. Sure, there's a night out at the local gay bar.... but obviously if I have too many gay friends I automatically become a "fag hag". It really makes me not want to have friends. Why are most of my friends here gay men? Well... b/c they usually go through more issues and are more informed than most of the straight people here. Also... most of the straight people in this town end up either coupling off and (usually) getting married (and not going out with the singles so much) or moving away to greener pastures (my plan as soon as I can).

And now- my account has been overdrawn all month b/c of the lateness of my renter friends. As a result, they are not covering any automatic withdrawals that are requested right now. B/c of such, the water company called me yesterday and left a message... asking me to call them back by noon today or else there will be an extra $40 fee. Right now I am drunk enough to be the bitch that pays my amount, then cuts the water off for my renters. Tomorrow I will be the pushover that pays the bill and keeps it in my name till it is convenient for my "friends" to afford to pay.


Blah me. Blah life. I wish I didn't have to care about anything anymore. Coma wish.

I wish I could find some of my friends from the old days of Subatomic Underground. I often wonder about BenAteJerry, AlienWorkshop/MomNWifey, Lewisja, and mc80.

From time to time I will use google, facebook, and myspace to look for activity on the screen names or email addresses... but no real luck.

Jeff came through town about 2 years ago, Mike has been MIA too long to quantify, I can't remember MomNWifey's real name or email address, but Mario... I really always thought we'd meet one day. I wonder where you are and how you are doing. Maybe we could still meet one day- hopefully before we're old and gray.

It was a Wednesday- When we had left class that day, Angela and Amber wanted to go to Milwaukee. Some other girls I knew from school or work wanted to go somewhere else the next day after school. I can't remember where now, but I know I agreed to their plans first. I had a feeling I wouldn't make it back in time to make their trip when I agreed to the Milwaukee trip, but Angela swore we would be back before noon. They had received permission from the principle for all of us to miss that much class.

Angela and Amber were buzzed into the principle's office by the lady at the desk directly across from the door. (The loddy set up reminded me of the nurse's station on Scrubs with 2 hallways on the left and 1 straight hallway on the right.) I was right behind them, but missed the buzz in b/c one of the other girls stopped me to confirm plans. When I asked the lady to buzz me through, she completely ignored me b/c she was in the middle of a conversation with some girl about a semi-reality tv show like Dancing with the Stars. There was a guy there as well but he was distracted too. The door had no handle, just a flat metal piece like most swing doors. The wood framed glass door next to it lead to another office which was also locked.

Eventually, Amber and Angela came through with their half day off approval. While the door was still swinging open for them, I hurried through into a small courtyard between the buildings. I had no idea which way was the principles office, but luckily he was headed my way. He asked why I wasn't in the meeting and said I had approval to go to Milwaukee. I explained the trouble with getting anyone to listen to me in the lobby. He asked a couple follow-up questions and sent me on my way.

I remember walking up to a cute little compact car- shiny light blue. I think it was a hatchback, but with smooth lines like a more recent model- like a Prius or Chery QQme. Amber was driving, some guy I'd never met before was riding shotgun, I was behind Amber, Angela to my right. We loaded in and were all soon talking about old times and being silly. The guy was nice, a friend of Amber's from their neighborhood. I kept looking at my phone, I knew there was something I was forgetting. I looked up and the guy was making a funny face at me while staring intently. It startled me and I jumped- don't know why, not the type of thing I would normally jump b/c of. We all laughed and joked about it. At some point Amber handed me a plastic id badge holder with little quotes clipped from magazines tucked inside. She said she wanted me to have it- it was too painful for her. I had a feeling it had to do with another old friend of ours, but I'm not clear on who or why.

We were on Hwy 49, about to take the exit to Hwy 11 towards Purvis when I remembered that I should call my mom and let her know where I was. She was picking my up that day from school and it had already been 20 minutes after class let out. As I dialed her number I started thinking about Amber- everyone thought she was dead, yet here she was. Her blond, shoulder length hair was crimped/curly. She was wearing loose black pants with light blue dots. She was right there in front of me, but I really wanted to ask why everyone thought she was dead.

I woke up- first groggy thought was that maybe Amber's death was a rumor... maybe she was just off somewhere, living quietly. No... I remember her obituary. She died Thursday, Oct. 11, 2007. In my dream, she looked the way she did in sophomore year of high school. I had not seen her in years when I heard about her death a couple months after she ODed.

Such a strange dream to have... I don't know what Milwaukee has to do with anything or who the guy was. I wish I could remember what those magazine quotes said or where I was planning to go on Thursday. I want there to be something profound to find in life b/c I dreamed that a deceased friend was still alive- waking up to re-realize someone's gone seems like such a wasteful way to start the day.

You pursue me but try to pretend you don't. Is it just easy because you knew how I'd always feel?

You remind my heart of feelings I pushed deep down. No matter how light I try to approach the situations, my heart grows heavier.

And now something better comes along and I'm so easily forgotten.

You say it's not serious but actions speak. As if I wouldn't see you remove our interactions while you exalt others. Shady.

It shocks me how quickly I remembered how much I've always cared. This longing and fear makes me feel so teen angst- like all those tragic years ago. I won't embarrass myself by saying these things to you since it's so easy to see that the feelings are just mine.

I'm not the doormat I use to be. I will not wait. I will not sulk. I will not give in to the pain.

The last time I let myself completely feel for you and it ended, I made some rash decisions that sent me running into a number of bad ideas. Not learning from the past would be a rather dumb decision.

You may not understand this, but you don't have to. Just know that even loving you forever will not make me allow myself to be a secondary choice.

I believe you either love someone forever or never really do. I always loved you, but it seems you never did.

If you ever try me again, you better mean it. I'm not an ego boost or something for the in between.

And sadly, even as I write this goodbye, I have a tiny hope for you to try, for you to care, and for you to tell me.

Guess I've seen too many movies.

Yes, this one is about you.

It's it sad how very few words it takes to turn "The Very Thought of You" into "Fool That I Am"

In 7 months I need to be polished and ready to go! I've been tired of the current state of things for... well... most of the time that this has been the state of things.

Saving these dates:
Car payments begin June 1st
Certification training in August
I will hit the 7 year mark (and be fully vested) in September

Setting these goals:
Repair floors, walls, etc in house to make it livable and perdy
repair air conditioner
sell off as much stuff and junk as possible
put only the important items into storage
pay off car
get in shape
rebuild savings
set aside moving fund

Rewards:
finally doing something I want to do instead of something I'm expected to do
happier, healthy, better living
finally getting some adventure in my life again


now the hard part... getting motivated to get on with it!

Went to Sergio and Jackie's for a Rock Band party. It was noticed this time that almost everyone who attends wants to play drums or sing... most Rock Band parties have everyone claiming guitar and base. This evolved into the topic of karaoke which then evolved into finding a karaoke bar to relocate the party to.

Good times, good times.

We tried Shenanigans but it was crowded with a birthday party... so I suggested a place I had only every been 2 times before almost a year or more ago. As it turned out, perfect small, friendly setting. ^_^

My default song is "Whatever Lola Wants, Lola Gets". I received a good response. The KJ announced that I was making a statement to the guys of the bar. This made me rethink having it as my default song. I just like singing a song with my name in it and of the songs with my name, it's the most flattering of the ones they are likely to have.

I walked near the KJ's table, then sat back down b/c I wasn't sure what I wanted to do and Sergio was motioning to me to tell me something.

The KJ called me up even though I didn't sign up for another song. I was on the spot and couldn't think of anything... so I selected "What's Up?" by 4 Non Blonds. I opened it to anyone else who knew it to join me- it's a hard song, makes me a bit nervous. This was interesting... I was tightly hugged by a thoroughly inebriated leather coat guy. Still, people liked it. I sat back at the table and drank most of my very, very vodka grape popsicle flavored beverage out of residual nervousness.

Later on, I did not go anywhere near the table and he called my name b/c he wanted me to sing again... whether I wanted to or not. I had no idea what to sing so he picked "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac. I did ok... I know the song but it isn't one I walk around the house singing, so I had a bit of trouble.

All this is rather encouraging, though. There were other people I had never met before that cheered me on and told me to get up there and sing despite my continued apprehension.

*le sigh*

For someone who has always wanted to be a singer, I'm really not confident in my voice. It takes overly persistent people like this for me to even consider that I might be good. I feel awesome by myself in the car or inside my house... but in front of others I always worry that I'm one of those who thinks they can sing but really, really can't and no one has the heart to tell them.

The night ended with the Rock Band foursome doing "Bohemian Rhapsody- we engaged in all the wonderful headbanging and guitar noises that this song affords karaoke. Very, very nice.

I'll work on my Fleetwood Mac and go back soon. The more I karaoke, the more I can combat my stage fright without liquid courage... maybe.

Sometimes I feel I have lost myself to this town, to my job, to the guilt and expectations of my family. Sometimes I feel the future me that I knew I should be is becoming impatient with my cautious character. Maybe I would be farther in some ways if I were willing to stop investing and start living. This is no time to cash in my stocks in this bear market, though... the money lost would be horrid.

I may impress my coworkers with imaginative ideas and creative solutions, but it isn't that satisfying if I'm not on a team of like-minded artistic spirits. I remember the wisdom of a bookmark I had in middle school- Normal is boring. If normal is who you are and you are content, good... but normal is not me and does not satisfy my personality.

But oddballs like myself are often categorized as "strange" around here... along with a billion other characters that don't fit into the mainstream culture... let alone the southern culture. The category of "strange" has many different off shoots... but we are all clumped into one here b/c we are so few- in the relative view of it all. Some other places have the luxury of being incredible specific with what sect of which genre they identify.

I'm already ready already. I want to have my cheesecake pin-up outfits and eat sushi, too. I want to walk to almost anywhere I'd like to go and have something interesting always nearby. I want care about the line on the back of my stockings again. I just don't have the energy to try that hard... I don't want to say "lately" since it's been a year or more, but I don't want to say "anymore" b/c I would like to care again.

Ah well. Ah me. *le sigh*

This world piling up around me has got to go!

so i was thinking... haven't been to an lj meet-up in a while. How about this weekend? I propose Sakura on Saturday and Cafe Boheme on Sunday... that way you can come to one or both.

maybe we can even have a swap meet of unwanted gifts or something... ya think?

i'll need to check their hours to see if and when they'll be open.

any additional suggestions?

I have 2 new positions available... please see the corresponding forms for details:

Application of Available Surrealist Position(s)

Application of Available Stalker Position(s)