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Maybe writing, knowing that someone is possibly reading these will ease my anguish. My name is Sarah, I'm 15, and I go to a school that is far from conventional. They believe in building good relationships with their students in the hopes that, instead of feeling obligated to rebel, they can have more time on building who they are, caring about the world, and accepting people. I started to attend The Living Education Center of Ecology and The Arts mostly in the beliefs that everyone in my school was mindless. The perks to staying in a public school were that naturally, I was a social butterfly, and for some reason, people liked me. I suppose I though it was a burden, and channeled some of that hatred into isolating myself, and pissing people off. It must've been pretty dumb of me to think that I didn't need any friends. Meanwhile, I switched schools and made a lot of cool, artsy, easy-going friends, had fun and learned a lot. Somehow from there I've gotten a self-absorbed pothead boyfriend to help me even further isolate myself. We've been together for a year now and I love him so much. Aside from the bliss of loving somebody, I know now it must be true that a girl tends to wind up with a spitting image of their father. That of course isn't very flattering to him, being that my father is a hairless raving, ranting, lecturing loser who lays around at home feeding his addictions, feeling bad for himself, and telling everyone else how to live. I don't know how I can love him, seeing the impeccable similtude. If anyone has ever been in an emotionally dictating relationship, then they know that it's super hard it is to manage a life even the most effortless of lifestyles. Addiction has become the most dominating aspect of our lives (obviously, I guess that pretty much defines the word "addiction"). But, the thought of breaking up is so devasting for either of us, I think it would bring our whole worlds crashing down on top of us, even if we know it might be better for the both of us. What's more my father is so manic nowadays, I can't stand to be at home without him holding me down and telling me all of these ideas, and that it's all so easy, and how wealthy we're going to be when he follows through with them all. Meanwhile, my mother is busy at work as a nurse, trying to shell out all of the money from his previous dreams that he so terribly half-assed. She cries all of the time, and believe me, I've already gotten past the whole "perfect marriage", growing old together idea, despite the fact that they've been together since they were 13. Although, it was a nice fairy-tail story initially in my mind, I know it has never lived up to what I thought it might have been, I'd rather they just end it now in the attempts to build who they are, instead of depending on eachother in an unhealthy way. I love her so much, but I can't be around it, it's too much pressure, too fucking awkward. She's going back to school, therefore there is no food in the house, and I feel like the people who were supposed to be the adults in my life are declining slowly into mindless, angst-ridden teenagers who can't even put their panties on straight. Somehow, even though I am neglected, and am obviously taking care of myself now, they still think they ought to be totally invasive, and act "concerned". That is very possible, but if they were concerned they ought to be more so concerned about how their behavior effects me, rather than trivial things that I have more common sense about than half the children my age. I don't know if any of this is making sense anymore, but I'll continue for a little longer. As far as any siblings, I might as well be an only child because my brother is just as irresponsible as my parents, and therefore is too absorbed in his own matters to know what theirs is, which is reasonable considering he is 21 now, and living in town. Mostly, I just want to escape this hell-hole. I don't like the thought of suicide, I just want to escape my world, and I find more and more often that substance abuse will never fill the hole in my heart. Now, I don't know where to go, who to talk to, or how anything is going to turn out. I'm lost, really.
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