The Making of Jack-ass IV
Here we are. Yet another night at the bar.
Steve-o watched with concern and a little disgust as Chris and Bam tried to race each other to the bottom of a bottle. Ryan's death hit them all really hard, naturally, but it clearly hurt Chris and Bam the most. Those two need to get a grip, he thought. Well all miss Ryan horribly, but I swear those two are trying to join him...
His thoughts were interrupted by shouting. "Wadaya mean, no?" Bam yelled.
"You heard me," the bartender said wearily. "I'm cutting you two off. If you want to kill yourself, find another damn bar."
"Fuck this shit, I can drink at home. Chris, wanna join me?"
"Sure."
* * *
Two hours later, at Bam's place, he and Chris were still coherent (for some very broad value of coherent), but otherwise quite smashed. Of the two, Bam was drunker, so he entered the sentimental bawling "I love you man" stage first.
"I hate this so fuggin much. Ryan was a great guy. And now he's dead, and I could have told him how much I loved him, and now it's too late!"
"He was an awesome dude, yeah. Remember that skit with the toy car?"
"Well, fuggit, I'm not going to make the same mistake again. Starting tonight, all my friends are going to know how I feel about 'em. Chris? I love you, man."
"Aw, man, I love you too," Chris said with sincerity and a touch of awkwardness.
After a very pregnant pause, Bam spoke up again. "Chris?"
"Yeah?"
"Remember that scene with your dick dressed up as a mouse, and the snake?"
"Yeah."
"I gotta tell you, I really envied that snake."
"Oh, really?"
"Mph. Mmm mph mmm mph mph."
"Dude, I don't understand a fuckin' word you're sayin' but please don't stop."
"Mmmph! Mmph mmm mm mmmm mph."
"Oh yeah. Just like that. You're doin' great."
"Mmm mm."
"I have a secret of my -- oooooooh -- of my own, and this seems like a -- unghk! -- good time. Remember... oh, god! Remember that scene with you and the dildo?"
"Mmm-hmm."
"I was so jealous of that dildo."
And before long, Chris was shoving his cock in Bam's ass, and Bam was screaming about how big it was and how much harder and faster he needed it.
* * *
Jack-ass IV (Unrated) debuted in theaters all over the United States a year later. The movie started with twangy guitars and the usual opening credits, followed by a tasteful remembrance: a moment of silence, a black screen, and a remembrance of Ryan Dunn in white text. Then, fade in to Johnny Knoxville and Manny Puig standing outside a bedroom doom.. "Hi, we're Johnny Knoxville and Manny Puig, and this is Cornhole."
Johnny opened the door, and audiences in theaters all over the country were treated to Chris Pontius fucking Bam Margera is the ass, and Bam screaming like a very happily stuck pig.
All over the country, men walked out of theaters in disgust. About a third of their girlfriends, most of whom only came in the first place because their boyfriends dragged them into the theater, stayed behind.
* * *
Johnny and Manny stared in something vaguely resembling horror. Manny recovered first. "You saw it here first. Bam's taking Chris's dick in the ass. Yeah. That's what's happening. Wow. That's gotta hurt."
Johnny recovered soon after. "I got next!"
Steve-o watched with concern and a little disgust as Chris and Bam tried to race each other to the bottom of a bottle. Ryan's death hit them all really hard, naturally, but it clearly hurt Chris and Bam the most. Those two need to get a grip, he thought. Well all miss Ryan horribly, but I swear those two are trying to join him...
His thoughts were interrupted by shouting. "Wadaya mean, no?" Bam yelled.
"You heard me," the bartender said wearily. "I'm cutting you two off. If you want to kill yourself, find another damn bar."
"Fuck this shit, I can drink at home. Chris, wanna join me?"
"Sure."
* * *
Two hours later, at Bam's place, he and Chris were still coherent (for some very broad value of coherent), but otherwise quite smashed. Of the two, Bam was drunker, so he entered the sentimental bawling "I love you man" stage first.
"I hate this so fuggin much. Ryan was a great guy. And now he's dead, and I could have told him how much I loved him, and now it's too late!"
"He was an awesome dude, yeah. Remember that skit with the toy car?"
"Well, fuggit, I'm not going to make the same mistake again. Starting tonight, all my friends are going to know how I feel about 'em. Chris? I love you, man."
"Aw, man, I love you too," Chris said with sincerity and a touch of awkwardness.
After a very pregnant pause, Bam spoke up again. "Chris?"
"Yeah?"
"Remember that scene with your dick dressed up as a mouse, and the snake?"
"Yeah."
"I gotta tell you, I really envied that snake."
"Oh, really?"
"Mph. Mmm mph mmm mph mph."
"Dude, I don't understand a fuckin' word you're sayin' but please don't stop."
"Mmmph! Mmph mmm mm mmmm mph."
"Oh yeah. Just like that. You're doin' great."
"Mmm mm."
"I have a secret of my -- oooooooh -- of my own, and this seems like a -- unghk! -- good time. Remember... oh, god! Remember that scene with you and the dildo?"
"Mmm-hmm."
"I was so jealous of that dildo."
And before long, Chris was shoving his cock in Bam's ass, and Bam was screaming about how big it was and how much harder and faster he needed it.
* * *
Jack-ass IV (Unrated) debuted in theaters all over the United States a year later. The movie started with twangy guitars and the usual opening credits, followed by a tasteful remembrance: a moment of silence, a black screen, and a remembrance of Ryan Dunn in white text. Then, fade in to Johnny Knoxville and Manny Puig standing outside a bedroom doom.. "Hi, we're Johnny Knoxville and Manny Puig, and this is Cornhole."
Johnny opened the door, and audiences in theaters all over the country were treated to Chris Pontius fucking Bam Margera is the ass, and Bam screaming like a very happily stuck pig.
All over the country, men walked out of theaters in disgust. About a third of their girlfriends, most of whom only came in the first place because their boyfriends dragged them into the theater, stayed behind.
* * *
Johnny and Manny stared in something vaguely resembling horror. Manny recovered first. "You saw it here first. Bam's taking Chris's dick in the ass. Yeah. That's what's happening. Wow. That's gotta hurt."
Johnny recovered soon after. "I got next!"