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Please help!!
I am engaged to a man I've loved for 6 years now, and he's going through some things that I don't understand, and it's worrying me.
I've thought about going to his best friend to find out what my fiance' has said, but my fiance' tells me he's not even opened up to anyone about what's bothering him. It scares me.
My fiance' and I are very close. Here's a bit of back-history for you, so maybe you can understand what the current situation is. . .
My fiance's name is Eric, and mine is Tabitha, but you can call me Dante. Most of my friends do.
Anyway, we met when I was 23 and he was 34 (I am now almost 30 and he's almost 41). I'd just broken up with my daughter's dad (my very abusive ex-boyfriend), and didn't know it at the time, but I was pregnant with my daughter. I was going to law school full time and working full time, so I had very little time for a social life. As a joke, b/c my friends kept threatening to do this to me, I put an ad on yahoo personals, mostly as a joke, not thinking anyone would respond. Eric did. We e-mailed back and forth a few times, then talked on yahoo messenger a few times, and then eventually decided to meet in person. We hit it off very well. Hung out a LOT. Neither of us would admit it to the other, but we'd fallen for one
another from day 1.
We would hang out a lot, and one day I'd found out I was pregnant with my daughter (she is now 5 going on 30!), and (wrongly, I know now!) wanted to get back together with her dad to work things out. Eric came over and we talked about what was going on, I told him about my daughter, and he tried to warn me that Jason (my now ex, my daughter's dad) was bad news. I should've listened. I should've just used my head anyways, b/c he'd beaten on me and raped me before, and what's to say worse wouldn't happen, now that there was a baby in the picture?
Well, Eric was a total gentleman about everything. Took me over to Jason's, and later told me that it was everything he had in him not to stand there and go, "f--- you, f--- you, and f--- you, she is coming with ME, and I'm going to help her raise the baby!" (Bear in mind, this man NEVER swears, except for the occasional "Damn it to hell!")
We stayed friends all that time. Off and on for 6 years we kept in touch. We just got engaged 27 December of this past year, and I moved to Colorado to be with him. We're planning to get married 27 December this year.
Right now, and I already knew what I was getting into when I agreed to marry him, he's a very busy guy. I don't like it, but at the same time, I kinda do. We have our own stuph we do, but we still make time for one another.
His MAIN job, at Echostar, he works in the daytime. He is a soft- ball coach for girls 16 and under during the week, too, and he also does the dj thing with Alkemi, a production company he and his friends started a few years ago.
He has been real quiet lately, and I've asked him sooo many times what's bothering him. He keeps telling me when he gets it sorted, he'll talk about it, but until then, he doesn't want to talk until he himself has things figured out. Well, I've asked him, repeatedly, as well, if it's anything to do with me or us. He always says no. Well, I'm a mother-hen type b/c I have no kids to do that to (my daughter lives with her dad. . .long story! My choice, though!), and so I have to do that to my friends. I have told him a couple times, "What's so bad that you can't share it with me, and talk to me about it, so I can help you through it?!" He kept telling me it's something he's got to sort through himself. THAT drives me NUTS!
Well, last night, I told him if he doesn't start talking and soon, I'm moving out. I didn't mean it to come out that way, it just did. There's a lot going in my own head right now, too, about Easter coming up (and that's a very hard holiday on me for a few reasons!), and that just came out bad. He goes, "Well, if you feel that way, then go." I told him I didn't mean it to come out that way, and I apologized. He's not mad at me. He asked me, "What did you tell me from day one!?" I told him, "That my probs are mine and that I didn't want you to try to deal with anything on my end b/c it wasn't your problem." He goes, "Exactly. And I've given you space to do with what is in your head as you wanted. Why can't you do that for me?" I explained to him where I'm coming from, that it scares me when someone I care very much about gets quiet, b/c then I get paranoid.
That's why I keep asking him if we're ok, if he's mad at me or whatever. Always it's the same thing, "No, I'm not mad at you. Yes we're fine."
I told him last night it breaks my heart that there's nothing I can say or do to make whatever's bothering him all better again.
A friend suggested pre-marital counseling, and yes, I've thought about that. He's a pretty private person, though, so I don't know how well that'd go over.
I'm sure he'd have a coniption if he knew I was talking to you about this. ha ha
I told him I trust him that there's nothing wrong as far as us. He goes, "When I figure things out, I will tell you what's in my head." I told him I trusted that, and to please don't get mad at me if I slip up and ask what's wrong, b/c I just have to ask. I can't help it. It's the mother-hen in me. I think he understands now. I asked him to promise me he'd talk to me when he's ready. He said he does promise. I trust that.
He is a wonderful man, and I love him very much. He's the first man I've ever really loved, and I've told him this on a few occassions. He is very good to me, and has told me that he doesn't want to do anything to jeopardize hurting me. I told him I don't ever want to hurt him, either, and when I just blurted it out about if he doesn't start talking soon I'm leaving, I didn't mean for it to come out that way, and I could see the pain in his eyes, and hear it in his voice. Talk about feeling like crap for hurting him. Ouch.
Well, I want to understand if this is "normal" male behaviour. This is the first functional relationship I've had, and this is a 3rd marriage for us both. Yeah, I've been married twice before by the ripe ol age of 29! I am trying so hard to keep my own head in order. I told Eric last night that I'm seriously considering going back into counseling, but I feel that it's kinda like I'm not being fair to him, b/c if I can't talk to him about stuph, but I go to a complete stranger. ..That's just not right.
I have no idea what to do here, and I'm having a hard time with the headaches that it's causing, and the obvious bruise on our relationship.
HELP!
Thank you for reading this, and thank you in advance for whomever may have something to share on this. . .
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