does it ever work that way?? or do all friends just sort of fade out?? my best friend and i arent quite as close as we were so recently. paradigm shift...things fluxed and fucked. it sucks giving EVERYthing to your friend...your lover...the one person you trust more than anybody else...when they have *no* thing. No body. you give them every last dime you have, food, work hours for/with them free, give them medicine to make them feel a little better than you do...endless time trying to tell them life will get better, they are loved and adored...needed. you hear them say they love you to, you are the Only true friend..the only thing that makes them happy...the only one there when there was no body else.pacts are made for life..and death. then the Change comes. you start doing not so well and they start backing off. little by litte like you wont notice. as they do better and their life looks up..they need you less and less. until you are forgotten. set aside until later use is needed. you watch with tear filled eyes wondering where that best friend went??? why they cant be for you what you were for them when THEY needed it?! we were untouchable. so i thought. unseperable...unless we chose to be, though never for long. we were the dreamers of such huge dreams that i would give every ounce of breath left in my life for them...for me..and you. foolish little girl. needing new dreams.ones that dont burst like bubbles when something else comes along and barely taps them. best friends? even they have a expiration date, you just cant see it.

So most of what I blog is just diary-esque ramblings. Alot of it is cathartic for me so its not always for others to *get* so much as for me to get it out!

This is what all has been spewing in my head. A horrible series of tragic events that stained my Life forever. Some of the stains are tainted while others are still a beautiful reminder of what I survived. Hmmmm...here you go....

*Prose to pack the visceral impact of a fist in the face...or where ever else a fist can go?

She calls and men crawl. Would it mean something if there were legions of Beautiful boys who have slavered blood from the fresh kisses carved into their chests? For Her?!

The landscapes of my life are littered with damaged Souls. And damage is a kind of Love. Because whats more seductive than destruction...whether it be ones own or someone elses?

Love is a corpse that doesnt know its dead yet.

Excuse me for being romantic. The same thing happens when I read the Book of Revelations.

I crawl into a tub and wash with the patchouli soap. Yuck. Spending a grateful 5 minutes scrubbing the feel of your fingers off my skin.

One is the primary number from which all others grow. One is the first day of the week. One is the Loneliest number. I am One.

That day was 7. Sunday. Seven deadly sins. Seven virtues, seven vices. On the 7th day my God rested.

The therapist told me that my anger is normal and should be voiced. She would have told me more, im sure, but my visits were stopped after my second *unpleasant venting*. Hah.

I know what the odds are for a Girl like Me.

We wait to be rescued, but for whatever reason, nobody ever comes. We figured out that if no One protects us then we must not be worth protecting so we became prey. Our wounded gazes attract sly predators and we sell our souls for clearance sale prices.

We binge, purge, sleep around. We drink too much, and get too high. Anything to blot out the past. We accept and endure beatings and humiliations because our fathers, uncles, lovers...all said they loved us too..right before they broke bones and tore tissue.

My stomach churns...afraid of what comes next. I rest my head on my hands. Pushing thru memories while making vows. To not shower after the assault. To call 911 as soon as he's finished. And IF im still coherent i'll tell them cops every detail. I'll talk forever as they swab for samples because I know that the punishment would spring from the details I provide.

I felt myself growing smaller and smaller. A desperate wail reverberating in my brain...blood runs in rivulets down my legs.I thought I was in shock. The world is tilted and the scenery jumbled...sharp edged...and carnival bright. The last thing he said was "you were such a pretty girl". I will not take the blame for his perversion. If I could stay sane I would send him to prison for life...or until I turned 21 atleast. They promised me 6 years of safety. I got 3.

Its been years now but its still hard to believe im done being hunted.

• MOOD DU JOUR:: 👁 contemplative
  contemplative

fill my head and heart today. dont know why such a sudden heaviness has been placed there. i woke up this morning and reached over for boris, forgetting he wasnt there anymore. im still in denial that he is Really gone. he went with me Everywhere and thru Everything in my life. theres been SOOOO much death in my life. none has hurt as deep as losing him. when i got him he was such a baby that his eyes werent even focused yet and he fit in my hand. i fed him out of a bottle until i taught him to drink from a bowl. its amazing how much a *pet* can do for a persons life and well being. there were so many times going thru cancer and abusive relationships that i just wanted to give up. the main reason i didnt wasnt because i didnt want to, or even because of my family...but rather because i KNEW there was NO body who could take care of Boris or love him like I did. he didnt trust anybody the way he trusted me.
which brings me to the real core of hurt. its bad enough when you lose a pet suddenly...like by a car or train...but YOU have no say so in it. to have to make the decision to put your pet...a family member...to sleep is probably the most difficult thing to ever have to go thru. while neither is better or worse...if there *is* a better or worse...i will always question my decision with nothing but guilt. even IF it was the right thing to do, i still feel like he depended on me to make him better and i let him down. it surely was Not the easy way out and i face it everyday. every single day something reminds me of him and i wish i could just rewind time and found some way to have kept him alive.

• MOOD DU JOUR:: 👁 crappy
  crappy

As most people can tell, im not blogging on here all too often anymore. Its crazy fun to go back years ago and see what I was ranting and raving about back then!
Loving my life in SF though may be leaving it as well. Ive got to meet SO many amazing performers here, go to places Ive only heard or read about and have tried to spend everyday here going somewhere or seeing something that I havent already :> Totally dig the Mission, the Haight, Golden Gate Park (hippie hill), the Wharf..and so many more awesome spots that I spend time in now.
Health hasnt been great...possibly surgery coming up soon. Just want it over with, as usual.
Getting ready for tour production. Me and my bestest bud are going on the road and taking Big Top nationwide!!! Kicking it off in New Orleans...however we will be stopping in MANY places between here and there.
Not much time on here...just a quick shout out to all the folks on here I use to stay in regular touch with. Come see me in SF before I split!!
Spit & Spirit

• MOOD DU JOUR:: 👁 artistic
  artistic

NEW BELLYDANCE SUBMISSIONS NEEDED FOR BIG TOP MAGAZINE!

Being that the last issue got such rave reviews and support, we are going to be featuring another Bellydance Forum in the NEW upcoming December issue!!
Take a look at the current Forum so you can see just how spectacular it is:
bigtopmagazine.com/TenInOne/shimmyshake.html
The new issue will have two feedback options for the opinions of some of the most innovative and experienced performers/instructors in our industry.
One is carried over from the current issue *What Makes an Excellent Performer* : from improv vs choreo, audience participation, music, costuming, etc.
Two is *Keeping the Balance: Mentally and Physically*
Being that so many performers are on tour and/or are shimmying quickly from one show to the next...we often have various rituals we adhere to in order to keep mentally and physically balanced. This feedback should include any drills, diets, practices or maintenance suggestions that you feel will assist keeping dancers in balance with their bodies and minds!
If interested in submitting feedback please email a brief paragraph or two to isa@bigtopmagazine.com with a photo and working url.

• MOOD DU JOUR:: 👁 creative
  creative

Wow..its been over a whole friggin' year since ive been on here. SOOOo much has happend i cant even go into details regarding it All.
Briefest of summaries: moved from Atlanta to Florida around Febuary of this year. Spent many days and nights on the island playing in the hot sun and warm aquamarine water. Fed manatee's everyday off our pier, went boating every weekend and got my first corp sponsorship thru Monster Energy Drinks.
All was not paradise (is it ever)?! Lost my beloved cat Boris who was my Son and my whole world. His death still resonates deeply in my soul and I miss him every single day.
Had a crackhead roomate who stole alot of what I owned. Karma's a bitch babe...a special witchy bitch makes sure of it lol.
Now? Where AM I??? Seems to always be the question from people.
Im finally in Cali woohoooohoooo!!! I MADE IT YOU MUTHAFUCKAHS WHO DINT BELIEVE IN MY DREAMS! Hah..how ya like me now? Not that I *care* since Im learning to like me jussst fine.
Its been a surreal few weeks here as I have spent time with so many wonderful people. Ksea has become my dark angel of performance lust. After the show he produced for bigtopmagazine.com called "Revolution"...im totally hooked and geeked out on learning new skillz, and loving my new family.
Im home.
IM HOME!!! wow...sounds so weird..but so very true.
Dont pinch me...i dont ever, ever, wanna wake from this dream.
Check out new pix at myspace.com/isashisha
Missed you ALL.

• MOOD DU JOUR:: 👁 amused
  amused

thanks as always to those who email the crap outta me wonderin where i am! the past few weeks have taken a major toll on me. the lack of medical insurance surely could be the death of me and MANY others!!!
been gradually feelin nauseas..various pains in da belly..fevers...just yuk.
a friend of a friend got me into the clinic at Grady (the ghetto state hosp here) in hopes of being able to expediate my help. I got papers to order a ct scan ..one with and without contrast....and an endoscopy. Well..that was over a week ago and none of the clinics I call to make the appts even have my records yet!!!
So I took my azz over to Atlanta Medical thinkin I would get some help there being 2yrs ago I was admitted for a blockage on my pancreas. They did a ct scan with no contrast and said "yep, you gotta blockage and pancreatitis" referred me to a dr..who is private..and costs $200 just to walk in there. So back to AMC I go..holdin Nothing down for oh..a week...went from 106 to 92 pounds and they said ...basically...you have no insurance, we can only refer you to our doctors or go to Grady.
So tomorrow I get to sit in the Grady ER for god only knows how long. The only other time I went there I was there for 16 hours...just in the ER. All the homeless folks, jail folks, the best of Atlanta will be there. YAY.
To make it all the more exciting for me..my roomie punched the landlord and now I hafta move yet again. FUKFUKFUK.

For the past few years ive had a difficult time finding the balance between not caring enough, and caring too much. I dont know why this is such a damn struggle for me???
As much as I write and try to think "oh this doesnt really bother me " " fuck what people say " "fuck the people who dont ask me to do shit with them when we are suppose to be friends"..etc...it still bothers me. Im really trying to reach deep to figure out why. Why do I feel such a need to be everywhere doing everything and a part of everybodys lives and feel totally rejected when Im not?!
After the long, abusive relationship I was in I literally could NOT care about somebody. It was horrible. I was in a relationship again with a very sweet, caring, giving person and I was in such a shell that she just couldnt break thru it...and i couldnt either. I literally thought I was 'broken' and would never be able to open up and let anybody else in again.
Now..year and a half since that its the total opposite. I started letting everybody and everything in and it started to really hurt. Makes me wanna revert back to my safe shell.
So today I Knock down my Front..if only for today. But i know..gods how i know..its such shakey ground that the slightest thing could cause me to flee.
Where did my strength go? I KNOW its still in there.

So after going thru my playlist today and overwhelming sense of nostalgia hit me full force. I use to be sooo in love and have such great times with those i dated. here are some of the memories..and the thanks...in no particular order, just as they play their music in my head.

BRIAN- thru you i learned a greater appreciation for music. i can no longer hear "face to face" "waiting for the night to fall" "spindizzy" or silke bischoff without remembering ALL the crazy fun trips to Chitown! we would smoke and sing all the way there...then party all night not wanting to ever drive back. life was still surreal and lush. my first memories of fun was shaving you at joanie's while we were drunk..probably not the best idea in hindsight lol. my hope for you is that you learn life is what you make it...and if you dont chose to make it into what you want, what choice do you have left?!

JEFF- thru you i learned that i had a voice...and a STRONG one at that! i learned to finally look people in the eye when i talk to them, to stand my ground and to never, EVER..let somebody beat me again. i also learned compassion and forgiveness. those 7yrs i learned more than i could ever begin to write out or find the words for. a love soooo strong, so timeless..yet so vicious it would eat me whole if i didnt get out fast. so i did. my hope for you is to realize your past is not your future. learn from it, grow from it and let it go. only then will you find enough peace to keep you satisfied (no pun).

PETE- god...what all i learned and remember of you my friend. the most vivid and insightful moments was at Trans last year, just watching you in your boundless energy that infected everybody who came in contact with you. you are truly a shining star that helped lite the way for me when i thought my life to be sooo dark. thru you i learned that its okay to be alone and not be lonely because as long as you have your Self you have all you need. my hope for you is that one day that you will find all the happiness you deserve and i KNOW you will NEVER settle for less.

OSO- i tear up even writing the name. it still pains a tiny piece of my heart if truth be told, and it will. some of the BEST times in my whollllle life were spent with you. in front of the fire eating marshmellows. talking, sharing, crying, growing...experiencing. together our creativity flourished into something exquisite and beautiful for all who were lucky enough to see it, and become as entranced as we did. whether burning it up at Fever or just the two of us hanging out, you taught me to not be afraid to take the bindings off...to let it all go. when i did..we did. my hope for you is that one day your soul will settle, and you too will cut the bindings of your own past so that you can be the free, loving, caring person that you need to be to manifest all that is in you!

And on that *note*..its time for a different playlist. I anxiously await my future in SF and what all my life has planned for me to learn there-

• MOOD DU JOUR:: 👁 nostalgic
  nostalgic

when did i become invisible??? why can you not see Me? i see you.
am i just a window that you try to look thru towards better things..or a mirror you dont chose to look into anymore at all for fear of what you'll see?!
with my brightest plumage exposed
shimmering jewels in others eyes
reflect nothing in yours.
i adore you. i love you. yet to you my existance is non existant.
look at ME! i am here..all of me..hiding nothing in this spotless glass you can look thru.
breath on me and watch me steam up. write your name on me. know that if you throw rocks, i can crack just as easily as you. just SEE me. acknowledge that some of the most beautiful things in your life are those you just dont make the time to look at enough to really see.