| because i'll be here quite a while. |
[5th of June, 2012] |
I've been wanting to try to watch Captain Harlock again.
But I remember those days when I was watching it.
I'd watch an episode with "dinner". Probably some microwaved potato and ramen.
This was when I "lived on my own". Being the adult that I was, I'd have an adult beverage with my meal. This would quickly turn to my watching two episodes, and me drinking three glasses of whatever beverage happened to be in my possession. And this, in turn, would quickly turn to I don't know how many episodes, and stumblings to the liquor store down the street.
Overdraft fees.
Empty bottles.
Beautiful images and a beautiful storyline reduced to nothing more than blurred colors and shapes accompanied by a strange language I could not understand.
Subtitles or not, it didn't make a difference.
I made it so that the world around me had no depth, no beauty, no hope, nothing.
If I had encountered any of those people at a different time in my life.
If only if only.
None of those bad things would have happened.
And I might not be so sad. So used. So damaged. So disposable.
I want to erase everything from my memory.
As though that weren't an original idea.
please i just can't stand being alone anymore.
utterly alone. no ties with anyone.
you don't know how it feels to feel so unwanted and useless.
not because of my depression.
because i'm unwanted and useless.
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